4 reasons I don’t use the word healthy (as a therapist)

Is your summer schedule starting or are you noticing more summer planning chit chat come up? I know I am. Especially on social media surrounding “healthy” meals and bodies and activities to do. Well, you know your girl has some stuff to say about the word “healthy” and how harmful that word actually is in our society. Buckle up.

We hear stuff get described as “healthy” all the time. "I'm trying to eat healthy." "She's in a healthy relationship now." "We just want to raise healthy kids." It sounds so good, right? So clean. So aspirational. So... vague.

(and honestly, a little righteous).

I hate to be the one to burst your bubble if this is a word you use, but the word healthy is doing way more harm than good—and as a therapist, I see the emotional and mental impact it has on us.

So let’s unpack this word, shall we?

1. It’s Subjective AF

Here’s the thing: Healthy is like a mood ring—it changes color depending on who’s looking at it. What’s healthy to one person might feel completely restrictive, oppressive, or even toxic to someone else.

Take food, for example. For one client, a “healthy” dinner might mean a grilled salmon salad. For another recovering from a strict household with a lot of food rules, it’s finally saying yes to pasta without spiraling into a shame spiral. Both are dinner options with wildly different internal experiences. So, which one is “healthy”?

Both. Because it depends on the context, not the calories or nutritional contents.

Same goes for relationships. I've had people describe emotionally distant relationships as “healthy” because they never disagree or argue. I have had people say relationships where they yell occasionally but then take accountability afterwards “healthy”. So which is it? Is it healthy to never argue or to argue?

When we start to examine real life, we realize we can’t put things into these black or white boxes as healthy or unhealthy. I would argue never arguing probably isn’t the healthiest and ideally yelling isn’t the healthiest but both can be healthy or unhealthy. Again, context matters.

2. It’s the Gateway to Shame and Guilt

Here’s where things get dicey. When we label certain behaviors as “healthy,” we automatically cast their opposites as “unhealthy,” which—like it or not—often gets internalized as bad or morally wrong. This is the black and white thinking I mentioned above.

This sets people up for a constant internal judgment fest. Didn’t go to the gym today? You’re “unhealthy.” Cried after seeing your ex? “Unhealthy attachment.” Ate ice cream because it is 90 degrees outside? “Oops, there goes my healthy streak.”

And here is the thing, we don’t just feel meh about it—we feel bad. Like morally bad. Like shame, guilt, and “what’s wrong with me?” bad. All because we didn’t perform this ever-shifting, society-approved version of “health.” Our brains also don’t always look at the full picture either, so if we do this “unhealthy” thing one time that has way more influence on our brain than the times we did the “healthy” thing. So we start labeling ourselves in a negative way and start feeling bad because we didn’t follow this strict rule our brain (or society) has.

And listen: if shame were motivating, my job would be a lot easier. But shame doesn’t spark transformation. It sparks hiding, spiraling, and feeling even more stuck. (Which is why I am such a fan of self-compassion.) Guilt and shame are normal human emotions and experiences, but they can lead to some dark spirals and not really align with what we really think and want.

3. It’s a Moving Target (with a PR Team)

The definition of “healthy” is a master of reinvention. In the '90s, low-fat SnackWells cookies were “healthy.” In the 2010s, it was avocado toast and coconut oil. Now it's farmstead living, cold plunges, and cutting out gluten (even if your body’s fine with gluten, thank you very much). Many of these things that are considered “healthy” are just fads designed by companies to make us feel bad about ourselves and to get us to buy their products to fix all of our issues.

The wellness industrial complex—yes, I said it—has co-opted “healthy” to sell you everything from moon juice to manifesting journals. And guess what? It’s usually wrapped in a thin veil of ableism, classism, and a sprinkle of whitewashed spirituality. (Told you to bucke up, hehe).

It isn’t just food or workouts. I see this with the latest parenting methods, financial systems, and relationship values. Some of this is due to research, but a lot of it is just influencers and people in power wanting to sell a new book or service and make you feel like crap for doing something differently.

As a therapist, I see the fallout. Clients come in overwhelmed, anxious, and convinced they’re failing at life because they don’t raise their own chickens or meditate with the mom group every Friday. “Healthy” has become less about how you feel and more about how you look doing it.

4. It Actually Doesn’t Help Us Reach our Goals

“Healthy” is also just... informative. It doesn’t capture the nuance of human experience. You can have a rough conversation with your partner and it be deeply healing. You can rest all weekend instead of “hustling” and it be the most life-affirming choice you make. But if you’re filtering every action through the “is this healthy?” lens, you might get caught in the judgement and shame of those behaviors.

I often use these questions instead:

• Is this supportive for me right now?

• Does this feel nourishing, emotionally or physically?

• Is this helpful for me in some way?

• Does this align with my values?

• Am I moving from a place of self-awareness, not self-punishment?

These types of questions help us move forward instead of feeling stuck. They help us find the gray or balanced approach rather than focused on the black/white extremes. It allows for more flexibility depending on context rather than strict and rigid rules that don’t serve us.

So What Do We Say Instead?

Try words that honor complexity. Use “aligned,” “nourishing,” “grounding,” “supportive,” or even “just what I need today.” It’s not about ditching responsibility—it’s about ditching the moral judgment baked into “healthy.”

Some days I need to lay on my couch for 5 hours and that is “healthy”. Other days, I need to get out of my house and move my body. There isn’t a one size fits all for every day of my life. We are too complicated for that.

Let’s give ourselves permission to be messy works-in-progress who occasionally eat Cheetos in bed while setting emotional boundaries with loved ones. You know—real life.

So the next time you catch yourself saying, “I want to be healthy,” pause. Get curious. Ask what that really means for you—without the wellness police looking over your shoulder.

And if all else fails, just remember: "healthy" is a vibe, not a verdict.

If you need help swapping out the “healthy” label engrained in your brain, you’re not alone. A lot of my work as therapist is to unpack this deeper with clients. Let’s chat or reach out and I can help you find a therapist near you!