You Can’t Shame Yourself Into Growth (Trust Me, I’ve Tried)

Let’s be honest: if shame worked as a long-term motivator, most of us would already be living our “best lives.” We would meet all our goals, all our problems would be gone, and everyone would want to be around us. Right? Wait, that doesn’t sound right…

Here’s the tough reality: shame doesn’t spark change—it sparks shutdown. And yet, so many of us keep trying to “fix” ourselves through it. It is our default when we have a human moment or do something that someone perceives at “wrong”.

As a therapist who works with women navigating burnout, anxiety, and trauma, I hear it all the time:

• “I should be doing more.”

• “Why can’t I just get it together?”

• “If I were stronger, I wouldn’t be struggling with this.”

These aren't just throwaway thoughts—they're shame scripts. And while they may sound like tough love, they're actually self-sabotage in disguise. Let’s dig into why shame actually doesn’t help us like we think it does.

What Shame Tries to Do (and Why It Backfires)

Shame tells us we need to be better so we can feel worthy. It says, “Once you do X, then you’ll be enough.” But here's the catch: shame doesn’t connect you to your values—it disconnects you from your humanity. I hear it all the time that people think shame helps them be better people. When in reality, it digs us deeper into an isolated hole because we think we are bad and not good enough.

Shame creates fear, not freedom. It tricks you into thinking you're being responsible or disciplined when you're actually just stuck in a self-critical spiral. I am not saying we shouldn’t take accountability. People confuse shame with guilt, responsibility, and growth driven motivation all the time. If you do something that upsets someone, I want you to have the space to own that. AND I want you to know that you are not a bad person or unworthy because of that. We all make mistakes and have human moments.

So that inner critic is lying to you when it says it is trying to help you grow. It ends up keeping you frozen and stuck.

Neuroscience backs this up, by the way. Shame activates the threat system in your brain. That means instead of motivation, your cortisol spikes, emotional numbing or overwhelm takes over, and that fight-flight-freeze response gets activated. When this happens, our body and brain is focused on surviving. It isn’t in the headspace to analyze how to better live within our values or understand that we can do something we don’t like and that doesn’t make us a bad person. That is too much in the front part of brain that shuts down in that fight or flight response.

Shame is more of a survival tool than a thriving tool.

How We Learn to Use Shame

Most of us didn’t pick shame on purpose—it was handed to us. Our brains are not born with the immediate response to shame ourselves. It is learned. Maybe from parents who said, “Aren’t you embarrassed?” or from teachers who equated mistakes with moral failings. Or maybe it was diet culture, hustle culture, or some perfectly filtered influencer preaching discipline over rest.

It can be direct messages telling us we should feel guilty and bad or that we aren’t good enough. But honestly, a lot of it comes from subtle cultural messages about unrealistic expectations, and equating our worth to our productivity or appearance or role in relationships.

So we internalized the belief that if we just beat ourselves up hard enough, we’d finally become the version of ourselves that’s lovable, successful, calm, or consistent. But self-worth built on shame is fragile. It can’t withstand life’s natural ups and downs—because every misstep feels like proof that you’re failing. And let’s face it, as humans we are all going to fail at some point. That doesn’t mean you ARE a failure. Big difference.

What Actually Motivates Real, Lasting Change

Research and clinical practice both point to this truth: People don’t change because they’re shamed. They change when they feel safe, supported, and seen.

Here’s what does work:

• Self-compassion. You know I am a sucker for self-compassion. And research actually backs this up! Studies show that when people are kind to themselves, they’re actually more likely to follow through on goals. Self-compassion increases resilience, reduces procrastination, and helps regulate emotions—without the shame spiral. This is why I preach self-compassion whenever I can. It really works!!

• Curiosity. When we get curious instead of judgmental, we open the door to understanding our behaviors. “Why did I put off that task?” becomes a more productive question than “What’s wrong with me?” This helps us understand our context and reasoning for our behavior rather than assume it is an awful character flaw.

• Values-based motivation. When your actions are connected to what you care about (not what you think you should do), your energy flows more naturally. It's the difference between forcing yourself to journal every day because you're “supposed to” versus doing it because you’ve noticed it helps you sleep better and feel more grounded.

If you’ve been stuck in a loop of shame and self-blame, it’s not because you’re weak. It’s because you’ve been trying to use a tool that never really worked in the first place.

And I get it. Shame can feel like it's “working” in the short-term. Maybe you do clean the whole house after calling yourself lazy. Or maybe you finally answer those emails after shaming yourself for being unproductive. But ask yourself this: how sustainable is that? And how do you feel afterward?

Burned out? Anxious? Disconnected from joy? That’s not thriving. That’s surviving.

What is more sustainable in these moments?

• Replace “I should be better at this” with “This is hard—and I’m still showing up.”

• Replace “I always mess this up” with “I’m learning something each time.”

• Replace “I’m so behind” with “I’m moving at the pace I can manage right now.”

You don’t need shame to grow. You don’t need to be hard on yourself to be responsible. You don’t need to earn rest, joy, or softness.

You are worthy right now. Not once you reach a goal. Not once you “fix” your habits. Right now, as you are. And ironically? That truth is what actually opens the door to real transformation. That is what allows you to behave more in line with your values, feel better about yourself, and be motivated to work hard in whatever areas in your life that are important.

Because when we stop trying to shame ourselves into being better, we finally start building lives that actually feel good to live in.