4 tools to decrease people pleasing behaviors

Thanks to the internet, many of us are recognizing that we are major people pleasers. People who minimize our own needs to make others feel comfortable. People who don’t share their own thoughts or feelings in fear that it will upset others. And even people who “go with flow” to keep peace rather than set a tough boundary.

I am not here to hate on people pleasers. I believe most things have good aspects to them. People pleasers are thoughtful, caring, considerate humans. However, if we do a behavior at either extreme of the continuum, it can lead to unhelpful things such as us being taking advantage of, us not getting our own needs met, and create a false sense of safety rather than a deep connection.

Let’s dive into why we as women do this behavior and how we can keep the good parts without losing ourselves in the process.

People-pleasing can be traced back to various factors. Societal expectations, cultural norms, and traditional gender roles often reinforce the idea that women should prioritize the needs and desires of others over their own. I have heard many unpleasant labels used towards women who try to take care of themselves and set boundaries such as selfish, controlling, unsupportive, and rude. And some words that are not PG… We can then internalize these labels and have a fear of being perceived this way if we do not do these people pleasing patterns.

For some people, it is easier or safer to “go with the flow” instead of dealing with the reaction from other people. In these times, we are often prioritizing the peace and comfort of others while minimizing our needs and value.

Another reason we may do these people pleasing tendencies is because we are scared of being rejected or hurt. Sharing our beliefs, taking a stand, disagreeing with others, all are vulnerable things to do. It opens us up to being invalidated, rejected, conflict, and more. For some of us, our mind tells us it is safer and easier to say and do what people expect so that we are accepted by those people.

While I totally understand there are times and places for that, doing that all that time ends us robbing us of real deep connection. If you are presenting yourself as a version of someone you think people want, there is a strong possibility that that isn’t the real you. You may gain their acceptance but it isn’t for your authentic self. They aren’t getting to know the deep, complex aspects of you and that can hinder forming a real and deep connection.

I see this in my family a lot where people play nice and are on the best behaviors, but because people don’t have real tough conversations, the relationships stay kind of surface level. I am not saying everyone needs to fight, push each other’s boundaries, disagree all willy nilly, etc but if we are toning down aspects of ourselves, that is going to impact our close relationships.

 “So what can I do about it?!”

Breaking Free from People-Pleasing:

Like I said earlier, there are positive aspects and characteristics of people pleasing. We don’t have to erase the kind and caring parts of you. It isn’t either or. You can be a caring and thoughtful person while also having your own opinions and needs.

Self-Awareness:

The first step towards overcoming people-pleasing behaviors is developing self-awareness. It is hard to change things if we aren’t aware of what is going on. This can be done by reflecting on your actions of the day. Think back to conversations or decisions and see if there were any moments of people pleasing. For some people it can also be helpful to reflect on the motivation behind the behavior. For most people, they do these behaviors because they care about the people around them. So if we can identify that value and motivation, we can still express that to our people without sacrificing all of ourselves.

If self-reflection works well for you, you can also reflect on where these behaviors stemmed from, are there certain people that draw these behaviors out, and what emotions come up when reflecting.

Establish Boundaries:

You know I have to mention boundaries! If you want to learn more about easy boundaries to start with you can click HERE!

Boundaries don’t have to be super scary or big. Setting boundaries does not mean we are selfish, mean, aggressive, or other mean labels our brain tries to tell us. Boundaries are normal and human things we all need in some aspect. First, you can reflect on what your limits may be. You don’t have to start communicating them right away. Just notice them. Then think about how you can gently yet assertively communicate with others. Chances are, people are not aware of your boundaries so they may not know they have been impacting you.

And a gentle reminder that it is okay to say no. No is a complete sentence. If you want to share more, you can, but no is okay to say. It isn’t a bad word.

Practice Self-Care:

Prioritize self-care to build a strong foundation of self-worth and confidence. This can help remind us that our needs matter. If you have some barriers to self care, check out this blog about common barriers and how to overcome them.

Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. You can do things that you enjoy while also caring for other people. The two are not mutually exclusive. By doing these acts of self-care, it can help you recognize your wants and needs, feel less resentful, and find a balance between you and others.

Seek Support:

Overcoming people-pleasing is a journey that can be challenging, and seeking support can be super helpful. Are there safe people in your life that you can talk to about this? A friend? A close family member? They may be able to be a person you can practice on while you are trying out these new patterns. They also may have dealt with overcoming some people pleasing and could share their experience. You are not alone.

Another great resource is getting support from a therapist. In therapy, you can explore the root of the patterns, identify barriers to change, and tackle new patterns with the support and guidance of a therapist. Therapy can be a place where you let the guard down, share your fears, and experience validation and support while you create new behaviors and patterns.

If you would like to work on this in therapy, check out the consultation page to schedule a free consultation to see if we would be a good fit!

You are not alone in these behaviors, worries, and patterns. So many women get stuck in these people pleasing cycles and it can be really hard to break. Change is possible, though. I have experienced it and I have witnessed it. By exploring the cause of it, replacing those behaviors, and getting empowered to do things for oneself can all help create meaningful change to live an authentic life. Remember, your worth is not determined by the approval of others, but by the love and respect you show yourself.

Alicia Johnson is a licensed therapist based in Ann Arbor, Michigan who helps women across Michigan, Oklahoma, Florida, Delaware, and South Carolina with anxiety, burnout, and trauma. Learn more about her and see if you’d like to work with her!